|Closed for business, repairs needed.
||[Aug. 20th, 2006|10:38 pm]
I feel like I have been living in a fog for a few weeks. Today, I woke up.
I spent most of my day at Serafemme. It was pretty cool, there was some amazing talent there. I finally got to see someone who I have known (and had a bit of a crush on) since I was a teenager perform--which was really awesome. I love seeing people that I have one idea of, completely shatter that image with their adult self. Like watching JT make his films, there's something about that, that excites me.
A weird thing happened while I was there though. Years ago, I worked at this horrible restaurant as a server. There was a bartender there for a little of the time that I worked there, that looked a lot like the woman I was seeing at the time. It used to freak me out seeing this person. Especially once the woman and I broke up. I had a minor attraction to this person, but could not figure out if she was a lesbian. Today, that question was answered--she was one of the people working the event. I love how small my world is sometimes. I need to move.
So, I have decided to stop dating. It is getting me nowhere, except hurt. I finally had found someone that I honestly liked. It has been so long since I have really liked anyone---yes, I have dated people that I have found interesting, or was attracted to, but this was different. Makes me wonder though, that perhaps the reason I liked her so much was because on some level I knew she was not available. And, if that's the case, then I need to stop dating, because clearly I am not ready myself. Yet, a part of me feels like I was. I am confused and hurt. I am also really sad, because I am not sure about what the hell I should do next.
I feel like I need to just focus on school and my work. But, I know me, and I get bored. I like having people that I can go out with. I like being attracted to someone, and knowing that, that person is attracted to me. I need to find balance. And, someone who is really capable of giving me what I want, and that has yet to happen with anyone.